The Way that the World Interacted with Me was Different
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My life was very different then, and I don’t mean my job or where I lived or what kind of person I was. I mean that the way the world around me behaved was different, and by that, I mean the way that the world interacted with me was different. And I mean different in a bad way.
My life just wasn't going the way I wanted it to. That included the things that came from me—the things that I tried to do—but also the things that just happened to me, the things that were out of my control.
And despite what I did, I was powerless to change my situation, and I felt just helpless, like a passenger watching a movie of my own life but knowing that my actions wouldn't change the storyline.
I found myself in situations that I had unwittingly started, either by accidentally saying something or by doing something that upset the people around me. And this gave me a lot of trouble when all I wanted was to get along with people and have good relationships.
And in those situations, as I tried to fix things, the worse they got because the people involved wouldn't understand what I was saying, and there was no way to make things right. Everything I said just dug the hole deeper and deeper until I just had to give up and accept that the person was going to be upset and feel hurt by me, which was the exact opposite of what I wanted.
At the best of times, it is nearly impossible to change someone's mind about what they think or feel about something, but as these situations arose in my life, I could clearly see the futility of even trying. It was like they were being controlled to not see reason or think logically about what I was saying.
I would get an increasingly familiar feeling in the pit of my stomach. A horrible churning feeling, beyond shock, that would make my head feel numb. And on top of that, when I was in those situations, I also felt confused, and I couldn't think clearly at all.
I couldn't find any strategy to deal with it except to just wait until it was over. And even though I knew it was me that had triggered it, I knew that I wouldn't be able to stop it happening again in the future no matter how careful I was. And sure enough, I would say or do something again that sparked a different but all too familiar situation.
Luckily though, these situations didn't happen every day, every week, or even every month. But I dreaded them happening again, and I was always looking out for situations where they could happen.
Of course, these were the extreme situations that came into my life, but as I said, the general flow of my life wasn't really positive either. That's not to say that good things didn't happen, but the good things were just a little something to pick me up before the next thing put me down again.
It was a period of my life that really built or actually rebuilt my character. Of course, I was still the same person, but it started a change in me. I'm definitely thicker-skinned now and more confident. But it's not that empty confidence that a lot of people seem to have. You know, that confidence which is just an act that people put on to look better than they really are. It's a deep-seated confidence right from inside here.
And I can definitely deal with situations better because when stressful situations come up, and I have to make quick decisions, I am able to keep calm and think clearly, and most importantly, be more objective. And I couldn't be this person now if I hadn't gone through that difficult period of my life.
