Getting Through Bad Moments and Leaving Space for Good Ones

We all have good days and bad days, or even good mornings and bad afternoons. And when things are going well, we get lost in the moment, and sometimes when things are going badly, we can't escape from it no matter what we do. And clearly, in both of these cases, there are times when things are out of our control.

Events are happening that we have nothing to do with, and they are what is making us have fun or be miserable. But at other times, what is happening IS dependent on what we are doing and on what we are choosing. So, it makes sense that we could do things differently or choose different things, and situations would turn out differently.

But nobody is perfect, and we can't predict what results our actions will cause as we go through a regular day. And of course, we don't want to change anything when things are going well, but we would all like to change the times that are going badly. And it is possible.

But only if we can recognize when things are starting to go wrong. Usually, the red flags of this are people's reactions, or we suddenly feel stressed or panicked. These are early warning signs and the signal to take action and not follow the course that we are on, which will pull us further into a bad situation.

But what action do we need to take? Well, we can turn things around by quickly throwing ourselves into any task that keeps us busy for a while. So, during our day, if we feel that things are starting to turn on us either with the people around us or with the thing we are doing, we should always look for something that can mentally or physically engage us.

Usually, this means doing something alone, and the simpler and more repetitive it is, the better. By doing this, we haven't exactly escaped from what is happening, but we are doing something very important. Difficult periods can only last for a certain amount of time.

They are all time-dependent, and when that amount of time has run out, the difficult period ends. So, by keeping ourselves busy with something unrelated, we are running down the clock, and although we can still feel the tension of it, we are not taking part in it and making it worse for ourselves. And by the time we have stopped doing whatever we chose to do, we'll find that we have sidestepped the bad time that we were starting to have.

So that's the difficult times, but what about the good times? How can we maximize the times when we can have fun? The answer to this is all in the planning.

When we plan to do anything for fun, we should always leave space for the unknown to happen. And the way to do this is by not planning all of the details of what we are going to do. And the reason for this is that we experience fun when we do something spontaneously.

So if we leave space in our plan, it allows these spontaneous things to happen. Another thing to be careful of is if the planning is starting to get too complicated. If it is, then it's best to give it up and do something else.

We always need to read what's possible at the time because forcing something to happen will never turn out to be fun for anyone, least of all ourselves.

Choosing What Is Right for You

Every day, we are faced with decisions about what we should do with our time in our personal lives. There are things that we need to do, things that we want to do, and then there are the things that we think we should do. And with this last category, it's often difficult to know whether we should do something, especially when we don't really want to or we feel obliged to do it.

And an added complication to these things is that they often involve other people, which makes them trickier to navigate. So, how can we decide if we should or shouldn't do something? But more importantly than that, how can we know and feel happy that our decision was right?

The answer to that is a little complicated, so first let's look at what something we should do looks like. Simply speaking, the things we should do will give us experiences that have the potential to change us slightly. They will change how we feel about our lives and ourselves and give us a different way of looking at everything.

But I don't mean in a huge epiphany-giving, life-changing way. I mean that just for a short time and in a small way, we will escape from what's normal and feel different. And although the feeling lasts only while we are having the experience and for a short time after, the effects are not temporary.

Even when these feelings have gone, they have already changed us slightly and permanently. So why do we need to seek out things that change us? Well, the short answer is that each time we change, we become closer to who we are changing into.

So when we are choosing what to do or whether we should do A or B, then we have to look if it could be an experience that could change us. And it doesn't matter what change it is or how small of a change it will give us, as long as we feel different while we're doing it. And we don't have to climb mountains or cross oceans to feel different, but it should be something that when we imagine doing it, we can see that potentially we will feel different.

It's also important to look at what something we shouldn't do looks like too. And of course, something we shouldn't do does not have the potential to take us out of ourselves and make us feel different. But also, these are things that lack the potential for the unknown to happen.

So once we've measured the activity against these criteria, we can decide the best thing to do. And it is especially useful when something comes along that we feel obliged to do or are afraid of not doing because of the people involved. Because if we have measured it correctly, then with confidence we can say that our decision is right.

And doing something or not doing something because it is right for us is the only justification we need.

If these ideas resonate, you can begin with the Start Here page, where I share ongoing reflections by email. For those who feel ready to explore their situation more deeply, I also offer a paid cycle of guidance.

Not Every Fight Deserves Your Reaction

In our lives, we experience what I call trouble. It comes in many forms but usually from the same specific people in our lives. These people may be close to us, like people in our family, or they could be just people we know: friends or coworkers.

But it's important that we recognize who these people are and label them as such. Now, I'm not saying these people are bad people. In fact, they are more likely to be good people, and often they are people that we love.

But what trouble do these people bring into our lives? Well, one example is a situation where we are being criticized in some way by someone. They might say to us that we should be more like this or we should stop doing something.

In this situation, what we don't need to do is react and start having an argument with them. And we definitely don't need to take it as a personal attack and one where we need to defend ourselves. We don't even need to say that we will do things differently.

We just have to sit tight, be non-committal, and wait for the trouble to finish. But the doubt still remains. Do we need to change?

Maybe, maybe not. One thing is for sure, though: we are being shown an area where we need to do something differently or approach something in a different way. And would it be better for us if we did change how we act in that part of our lives that is being criticized?

Maybe. And are we going to change? Well, we will find out because the next time a similar situation comes along, we might decide to do things differently.

And because part of who we are is how we act and we have acted differently, then we have slightly changed ourselves. But there is some danger here. There's always a thin line between changing yourself to make yourself a better person and changing yourself to be what someone else wants you to be.

And where that line is is something that we have to decide for ourselves. Usually, though, to help us with this, there is a good indicator of when not to change yourself. Sometimes the trouble that these people bring to us is played out in our heads.

They say something to us, and then later we think about what they said over and over again, usually because it really annoyed us. And this makes us question ourselves and our own actions. Did we do the right thing or did we do enough in that situation?

Usually, the answer is yes, but only after our brains have replayed the situation a dozen times will our minds finally be satisfied that we did do the right thing. And then we can move on. Confirming that what we did was right changes how we feel about who we are and gives us confidence that we can take into the next situation.