Choosing What to Do When You’re Not Sure You Should

Every day, we are faced with decisions about what we should do with our time in our personal lives. There are things that we need to do, things that we want to do, and then there are the things that we think we should do. And with this last category, it's often difficult to know whether we should do something, especially when we don't really want to or we feel obliged to do it.

And an added complication to these things is that they often involve other people, which makes them trickier to navigate. So, how can we decide if we should or shouldn't do something? But more importantly than that, how can we know and feel happy that our decision was right?

The answer to that is a little complicated, so first let's look at what something we should do looks like. Simply speaking, the things we should do will give us experiences that have the potential to change us slightly. They will change how we feel about our lives and ourselves and give us a different way of looking at everything.

But I don't mean in a huge epiphany-giving, life-changing way. I mean that just for a short time and in a small way, we will escape from what's normal and feel different. And although the feeling lasts only while we are having the experience and for a short time after, the effects are not temporary.

Even when these feelings have gone, they have already changed us slightly and permanently. So why do we need to seek out things that change us? Well, the short answer is that each time we change, we become closer to who we are changing into.

So when we are choosing what to do or whether we should do A or B, then we have to look if it could be an experience that could change us. And it doesn't matter what change it is or how small of a change it will give us, as long as we feel different while we're doing it. And we don't have to climb mountains or cross oceans to feel different, but it should be something that when we imagine doing it, we can see that potentially we will feel different.

It's also important to look at what something we shouldn't do looks like too. And of course, something we shouldn't do does not have the potential to take us out of ourselves and make us feel different. But also, these are things that lack the potential for the unknown to happen.

So once we've measured the activity against these criteria, we can decide the best thing to do. And it is especially useful when something comes along that we feel obliged to do or are afraid of not doing because of the people involved. Because if we have measured it correctly, then with confidence we can say that our decision is right.

And doing something or not doing something because it is right for us is the only justification we need.

If this shifted how you think about what you choose to do, you may want to begin at the beginning. Start Here

Why Regret Is One of Life’s Most Useful Signals

We all reminisce about the past and happily remember things that we've done. And some memories are from a long time ago, and some are more recent. But there is another process we go through which is a less pleasant experience.

Sometimes we remember more significant times in our lives, usually from our more distant pasts. These experiences were something embarrassing, stressful, shocking, or painful. They are times that we made mistakes.

And although in most cases we couldn't have stopped them from happening, we still feel that how we acted or the choices we made in those situations were wrong. And it is for this reason that they are important to us. Because the emotion that accompanies all of these memories is regret.

So why is regret important? First of all, I need to make it clear that regret is a good thing for us. So what does regret do for us?

Well, when we regret things that we've done, we also see what we did right and what we did wrong in a situation. And when we revisit these situations as we remember them, we strengthen what is right and what is wrong for us. This then becomes a powerful tool for us to use in the present, and it is especially useful when we are faced with challenging situations.

When we are in a challenging situation, we automatically use our tool of what is right and wrong, or in other words, what we should do and what we shouldn't do. And in this way, we are able to see more clearly the best course of action and be more confident that it is the right course of action for our lives. It's also important to note that we can regret the same memory many times and still get something from it because each time we relive it and judge ourselves, the way we know we should have acted becomes stronger.

There are also times when we replay very recent events in our lives. Things that have just happened. And of course, we do this a lot, but I'm referring to the things that keep replaying in our minds more than once.

These things are too fresh for us to regret yet. And so they affect us differently than those memories from long ago. It could be something that happened that day, but the fact that it keeps coming back to our minds over and over again tells us that it's important.

And these memories are important because they are showing us something. And it doesn't matter what the memory is, they are all showing us the same thing. Or , the same things.

These are all times when we did something important because in all of these cases we made a judgment about what was the right way and what was the wrong way. And hopefully, in those situations, we did make the right choice, and we haven't instead made a longer-lasting memory and one that is full of regret.

Why Life Keeps Changing and What It’s Doing to You

Some people are happy or satisfied with the way their lives are, but most of us aren't. We want change, and some of us would change a lot of things in our lives, while others would change only a few things. There are three ways our lives can change.

The first way is when something happens to us. This is when something or someone outside of our control changes something about our lives. Or maybe someone we're close to makes a change in their own life that affects us.

The second is something we plan for and try to change. This is the most dangerous type because when we bend our will to something and try to manipulate the situation too much, we might get what we want, but it could be the wrong thing for us. And the third way is when we make a change spontaneously without planning it, simply because we feel strongly that we should.

So what is the purpose of our lives changing? And what is really happening when our lives change? The answer to the first question is simple.

When we have a change in our lives, it changes who we are. A small change will change us a small amount, and a big change will change us a lot. But this change doesn't happen immediately.

Gradually, through living with these new circumstances, we change. And we usually can't see any difference until later when we look back at ourselves in the past. So the changes change who we are a little bit at a time.

But when it's said like this, it sounds like a change happens and then we shift like we're being blown in the wind. But it's the other way around. The purpose of our lives changing is to alter who we are.

So now we have to ask the question: Why do we need to change who we are? And the answer is that we benefit from it. We benefit from becoming different.

Because not only is who we've become slightly different, but it's also a little better than we were before. And this is not dependent on whether the change in our lives is positive or negative. We still benefit either way.

But why? Well, being different makes us feel different, and when we feel different, we act differently. This means that we will make different choices and different decisions.

But not only different, but better choices and better decisions. And the main reason for this is that when we change, we become stronger. Mentally and emotionally, we are more capable of dealing with situations.

And of course, this leads to feeling and being more confident. And when we are more confident going into something, we make better decisions and choices because we can think more clearly. This also leads us to not make the same mistakes we've made before and to not fall into the same traps as we have done previously.

So our lives change and we change, and this pattern repeats again and again until we are very different from the people we were at the beginning. But not only that, these changes are making us stronger for the next thing and the next thing, so that we are always able to deal with what is coming up. And in this way, we can trust that the future is something we are ready for.

A quiet note.

From time to time, I share reflections related to Enhanced Sense Living.

There is no schedule and no obligation.

You can leave your email at the bottom of the Start Here page if you would like to be informed when something new appears.

The Cycles That Shape Us: Why Tough Times Don’t Last Forever

Life is tough. Even for those of us whose lives are fairly comfortable, it can still feel like a grind to get through the day. And for many of us, those feelings can be magnified so much that life becomes unbearably difficult to deal with.

And to make things worse, the people on the outside looking in don't have any idea how difficult our lives are. Usually because we hide it and don't share it with anyone. So let's look at what makes it difficult.

First of all, there are periods when our lives are harder because of things we have to do or because people are making demands of us. But this is not constant. These are finite lengths of time which could last for days or even weeks.

And the backdrop to this may be that our lives are not in a good place, but these times, when they start, are extra difficult and then they finish. But we need to look at why we have these things in our lives? Obviously, as with all of our experiences, these things influence and challenge us, but we need to look deeper into how they affect us.

First of all, when we are in the middle of these experiences, we use something that's not good and that makes it difficult for us to get through these tough times. It's a habit our brains have when dealing with stress, and that is very simply that we don't fully accept what is happening to us. And when we try to mentally hide from what is happening, it makes things more difficult to get through.

Unfortunately, we can't really choose how our brains react, and in fact, we don't need to. But it's important to know what's going on inside us. But the main way these things affect us is that they slightly change who we are so that the next time it happens, we will react differently.

The second thing that makes our lives tough is the little health issues that plague us. I'm talking about things like headaches, pains, and other minor conditions. When we have them, these health issues make every part of our day difficult to perform.

But to find out what they do for us, we need to look at when they happen. Usually, when we have already been experiencing a tough period in our lives, these pains begin and of course, they make everything else seem even worse than it really is. But when the pain is over, we feel different.

How we feel about everything has changed. And more than that, a new period has started and the mood has altered. After a difficult time, we should notice these changes.

Nothing has really changed on the outside, but on the inside, we are slightly different. But of course, after some time has passed, we start the process again. Another tough time starts, and we repeat the pattern.

Our lives are not just long timelines; they are pieces of time with beginnings and ends.

A quiet note.

From time to time, I share reflections related to Enhanced Sense Living.

There is no schedule and no obligation.

You can leave your email at the bottom of the Start Here page if you would like to be informed when something new appears.

How Life Shows You What Will Happen Next

Some people think that the future is yet to be written and we have the free will to change what will happen, and some people think that it was written long before we arrived here. One thing is for sure, nobody really knows, and it doesn't really matter. What is important is how we feel about this unknown future that we're moving towards.

The future can be scary and unpredictable. We can fear it and have anxiety about it or we can be excited about it. And although some people profess to be able to predict the future, the majority of us can't.

What we can do though is to start looking at the patterns that our lives are following. And in our own way, we can start understanding and feeling better about where our futures are going. So what are these patterns?

Well, the patterns are the repeated ways that the situations in our lives follow. From time to time, we find ourselves in a situation that feels familiar. A type of situation that we've been in before.

This type of situation could be a bad thing that we don't want to happen or something that we don't want to do in the future. They are things that we are not looking forward to and things that will disrupt our lives in some way. But after worrying about this thing constantly and dreading the day it happens, we always reach a point where this thing just goes away.

Something always comes up so that this thing is not going to happen anymore. And then we think, why was I worrying? It's not going to happen.

But , the worrying is the most important part about it. We don't also need the pain of going through it as well. So we move on with our lives and then sure enough, somewhere down the road, another bad thing that we don't want to happen comes up.

Is it going to happen? We just have to wait and see. But when we get there, most importantly, we need to remember that this next thing also didn't happen.

Now we are building the evidence and starting to trust the pattern. So as I said before, we don't know if the future is written or if we create it but one thing is for sure, the future is not random. If it was, there wouldn't be any patterns.

So if we pay attention to the patterns and the way things turn out, we will have a better idea of what will happen. And most importantly, we can stop worrying so much and trust that this time, as it was last time, everything will turn out fine. Another pattern that happens to us is when we're in a situation that goes comically wrong.

These are situations that don't have any repercussions for our future; they are just stand-alone stupid situations. At these times, we are trying our best but we make a mistake, or we miss something or someone misunderstands us. And there's no way we can save the situation.

No matter how hard we try. The main theme of these situations is feeling embarrassed. Being embarrassed is very important for us because it keeps us humble.

Not Every Fight Deserves Your Reaction

In our lives, we experience what I call trouble. It comes in many forms but usually from the same specific people in our lives. These people may be close to us, like people in our family, or they could be just people we know: friends or coworkers.

But it's important that we recognize who these people are and label them as such. Now, I'm not saying these people are bad people. In fact, they are more likely to be good people, and often they are people that we love.

But what trouble do these people bring into our lives? Well, one example is a situation where we are being criticized in some way by someone. They might say to us that we should be more like this or we should stop doing something.

In this situation, what we don't need to do is react and start having an argument with them. And we definitely don't need to take it as a personal attack and one where we need to defend ourselves. We don't even need to say that we will do things differently.

We just have to sit tight, be non-committal, and wait for the trouble to finish. But the doubt still remains. Do we need to change?

Maybe, maybe not. One thing is for sure, though: we are being shown an area where we need to do something differently or approach something in a different way. And would it be better for us if we did change how we act in that part of our lives that is being criticized?

Maybe. And are we going to change? Well, we will find out because the next time a similar situation comes along, we might decide to do things differently.

And because part of who we are is how we act and we have acted differently, then we have slightly changed ourselves. But there is some danger here. There's always a thin line between changing yourself to make yourself a better person and changing yourself to be what someone else wants you to be.

And where that line is is something that we have to decide for ourselves. Usually, though, to help us with this, there is a good indicator of when not to change yourself. Sometimes the trouble that these people bring to us is played out in our heads.

They say something to us, and then later we think about what they said over and over again, usually because it really annoyed us. And this makes us question ourselves and our own actions. Did we do the right thing or did we do enough in that situation?

Usually, the answer is yes, but only after our brains have replayed the situation a dozen times will our minds finally be satisfied that we did do the right thing. And then we can move on. Confirming that what we did was right changes how we feel about who we are and gives us confidence that we can take into the next situation.

Why the Hard Things Might Be the Right Things

In our lives, we are put into many different kinds of situations at work, at home, or in public. Sometimes, situations in our lives feel out of our control, and no matter what we do, we can't change what is happening. And because we can't predict what is going to happen, we try to intervene and change what we can clearly see will be a bad end result for us.

But the more we try, the more helpless we feel. But this is not a failure. What we are trying to do is to change the eventual result to what we want to happen instead of accepting what is happening.

And of course, it's difficult to accept what is happening because it's not what we want. And this is a common mistake. To think that what we want to happen or, more accurately, the good thing that we want to happen is the best thing for us.

And of course, sometimes it's true, but why would it always be true that we know what the best thing or the best result is? Life is full of stories of people enduring hardship and then trying and trying and coming through it to be successful. So how can we say that the bad things that happened to them weren't the best thing for them?

Of course, at the time, it must have felt to them like it was the wrong thing, but looking at the big picture, it was the right thing because it led them to their ultimate goal. But they are not the anomaly. We are the same as them, except that their circumstances were extreme (extremely difficult and then extremely rewarding), and usually, our circumstances are less extreme.

So, in terms of our long-term goal, which I'm sure you'd agree, in its simplest form is to be "happy," then what we should do is not only deal with how things are or how they have turned out. But also to acknowledge that the way things are is the best way. For now.

But this isn't so easy when you're not happy about your situation and you can't see an end to it. Naturally, the speed that life changes for most people, most of the time, isn't quick at all, so we can be stuck in an undesirable situation for months or even years. So, to keep trusting that what is happening is the best thing and to keep that hope that it will change in the future takes a lot of willpower.

But the more often we notice when a situation that we weren't happy about becomes a situation that we are happy about, the more evidence we'll have to trust that the next difficult situation we're in will eventually turn out fine. Thinking this way is how we rebuild who we are as people. Who we are is made up of how we view the world, how we interact with the world, and how we react to the things that happen to us.

If we are reacting with confidence based on our past experiences, then we are, on one level, showing different characteristics. Another set of circumstances that we sometimes find ourselves in are those situations where we can't think clearly. This doesn't necessarily have to be a high-stress situation or one with a lot of pressure; it can be any sort of everyday situation we find ourselves in, even shopping at the supermarket.

When these things happen to us, the simplest things become difficult, and we struggle to complete the task we are doing. But when this confusion happens, it's important that we first recognize that it's happening. And then, knowing that we can't do anything about it at the moment, all we have to do is wait for it to be over.

This type of experience is not our fault. We didn't choose to be confused or to not think clearly. It's just a thing that is happening.

When It Feels Worse Than It Should - Regain Balance

Our own lives are undoubtedly the most important thing to all of us. How we feel in every waking second of every day is experienced by each of us and is personal to us. We spend every moment with ourselves, and those small details make up the fabric of our lives.

And it’s the small details that are important to me. But I don’t think I was always THIS sensitive. I feel like the volume has been turned all the way up on the seemingly trivial things that happen in my life.

The small things mean a lot to me. Sometimes someone will say something to me, and my mind just keeps replaying it over and over. It’s usually something that doesn’t sit well with me.

Something that feels wrong, that just grates against my mind and leaves a sore spot. Or something will happen at work, and I just can’t forget about it. Again, something that rubs me the wrong way.

And it’s usually when someone is trying to manipulate a situation to their own ends or when they have misunderstood a situation. Of course, I can’t control what thoughts pop into my head, so it’s like my mind is beating me into submission by replaying these things over and over again. And when it feels like I’ve had enough, it stops.

And again, these are small problems that are made more important and annoying because of the constant repetition of them in my mind. And a lot of the things that give me the most stress are things that I’m sure someone on the outside looking in would think are trivial. Even I think sometimes that if I’m stressing about this small thing, then my life must be pretty good.

But the level of that stress is so disproportionately high that it’s like some torture. At certain times, my life somehow feels much worse than it should feel. Because of this magnification of the small things, I’m constantly micromanaging my life and making sure I pay close attention to all the small details because if I don’t, then it brings even more trouble for me.

Another part of my life where the dials are turned up is on social arrangements. I will turn down invitations to things which are most likely going to be fun because, for no rational reason, I feel strongly that I don’t want to do it. Of course, nobody truly knows why they like one thing and not another, or why they prefer to do this thing over that thing.

But the feeling I have is not exactly that I wouldn’t like to do it. When I get invited to something, I don’t want to do it because it feels wrong, like something I shouldn’t do, or it would be better if I didn’t do it. And until I deal with it and decline the offer, it will keep coming back to my thoughts again and again until I’m sick of thinking about it.

Fortunately, though, there is another way because often the thing that feels wrong will be canceled and will just go away by itself. So through my own actions and through things that happen outside of my control, I am able to always do the things that I should do and not do anything that I shouldn’t.

Feeling Relief After Hard Times? What It’s Teaching You

Life is full of repetition. We do the same things day in and day out, week in and week out. Repetition gives us a feeling of comfort, and the repetitive nature of life makes us feel secure.

If things kept changing and were always different, it would be stressful and tiring. But, of course, a little change is nice. However, this everyday repetition isn't the kind that I want to talk about.

The repetition in my life is usually the bad kind - the repetition of undesirable situations. But sometimes, it can be positive. There are two kinds of repetition in my life.

The first is situations that have the same elements as other situations I have been in, like chances that I've had to change my job or positions that I was excited about and that almost happened but then didn't. The second is when the exact same thing repeats itself, like getting the same headache on the same day three weeks in a row. These are the kinds of repetition I can't ignore, even though I can never fully understand why these situations repeat.

Sometimes, if I think rationally about it, then I can see that for certain situations, it was a good thing for me to do the same thing again. In some cases, I could do it better or I could appreciate more what was happening, but more often than not, it seems pointless and, not to mention, painful to do it all again. And it often seems like I'm finished with repeating a certain type of situation, but then months or years later, it will come back to repeat again.

I'll explain this in more detail. I just recently had what I would call an emotionally charged conversation with my wife. In this type of conversation, both of us are saying what we feel and are trying to make the other person understand how difficult our lives have been.

But this conversation has happened multiple times over the years, and it must have been many years since it happened last. And this time, as in the other times, we were both saying the same things that we always say and pointing out the same problems that we have always had. And when it happens, this is when I feel like my life hasn't progressed or moved forward at all, and I'm back where I started.

And it's no one's fault. I'm not blaming my wife or my relationship with her. It's my life that isn't living up to my expectations.

I base these expectations on the trends my life has been following and how good my life has been lately. So if I get hit with something from the past, it seems like a backward step to me. And although my initial reaction when I repeat these situations is that I'm back at the beginning where I started, what I really have to do is to look a little closer.

When a situation repeats, I expect it to go as horribly wrong as the last time, but each time it happens, I feel like I am being let off from how bad it was before. This can either be by the result being more positive, the situation being over more quickly, or me feeling less damaged from the experience. Also, when I look back over my life, it's clear that although these situations repeat, I have seen a steady improvement in each area of my life.

And it might be that the repetition punctuates the progress that I've made and gives me a chance to reflect on where I was and where I am now.

When Life Changes Who You Are, For the Better

One theme in my life that has always plagued me is injustice. When I was a kid, I can remember many occasions when I was accused of something that I didn't do, and it always fell into two categories. One was that it looked like I was guilty, and I didn't speak up because I felt like people wouldn't believe me.

And the other was when my intentions were misunderstood, and I couldn't make the adults understand why I had done something. And because of this, I'm always trying to be careful not to do the same thing with my own kids. But they are similar ages, so they have arguments and different things happen, and I sometimes jump to conclusions, and I can see the same face on them that I had years ago.

Disbelief at the injustice of it all. So that leads me to one important point, which is seeing or missing the truth in a situation. In the last ten years, I've been able to see more clearly the role that I'm playing in a situation because I'm not lying to myself about what my motives are.

And because I can see myself more clearly and objectively, it's easier to see what is really happening. The problem, however, is what to do with this new perspective. If I see that I'm being selfish, for example, then I can't continue to act that way, so it changes what I will do next.

If I see that I am saying something to someone in order to get my own way, then I can't just keep going with it. And I've caught myself and corrected my actions again and again, and that has changed who I am and how I interact with the people around me. And that brings me to telling people the truth.

I always thought that I just wasn't good at confrontation, but now I can see that telling people the truth about themselves to their face isn't the best thing to do. I'm never able to tell people the truth about themselves, even when I really want to. But there is a good reason for this.

And that's my motivation for doing it. Why do I want to tell them their faults or why they're wrong? Of course, the answer is because I want to change them.

I want them to be different or to behave differently. But me telling them will never have the outcome that I'm trying to achieve. Also, it's just not good for me to bring someone down and attack them, even if they do it to me.

But for all of the insight and clarity I have, I'm still what I would call optimistically naive. I want to believe the best about people, and I want to believe that good things will happen for me. I want to think that people are honest in all their dealings with me and that they don't have selfish motives.

And because of this, I often feel let down by people. But that's on me. I lied to myself.

And if the promise of good things doesn't work out, then all I can do is pick myself up, dust myself off, and carry on.

Why I Stopped Trying to Convince People

One thing I never do anymore is try to convince people that I'm right about something. In fact, I've spent the last few years not even telling people what I think about anything, really, or sharing anything about my life. Until now.

I just reached a point where I thought it wasn't worth it and there wasn't any point to it. And of course, this didn't lead to any close relationships because you have to share part of yourself with people to make friends, and I just wasn't willing to do that. As I was looking at and listening to the people around me, I often heard them sharing their opinions and ideas about things, but not really listening to each other and then going away with exactly the same ideas that they had at the start.

And I realized that that was okay. One person's ideas weren't necessarily better or worse than another person's, so it didn't really matter. One thing that did get under my skin, though, was when people argued strongly about something.

Of course, everyone thinks that they are right, but these arguments were caused by one or usually both of the people trying to push their ideas onto the other person and convince them that they were right. And it's that part that I always had a problem with. Trying to force someone to think like me is fundamentally wrong, and it never works.

And that's why I never shared any part of myself. I didn't care if the people around me knew what I thought, thought how I thought, or agreed with what I thought. And even when I didn't agree with what they were saying or how they thought, I would always just let it go.

I don't feel any need to try to change their opinion or make them see "the truth" according to me. But I want to make a distinction here. There are things in the world that most people would agree are wrong, but what I'm talking about are the less serious issues.

So with that in mind, it's okay to let things go; however, sometimes it is very difficult. Human nature kicks in, and I want to win. I want to be right.

I want to show the other person how wrong they are and how they should think like me. Then we can both be right. But I found that this isn't really necessary at all.

Doing that doesn't make MY life better. So if it's a work situation, then I'll let it go, I'll try it their way, even if I think it will fail. And once I've committed to it, I'll give it my all.

I'll give it a chance to succeed because I'm the one who's chosen it. So for a long time, I haven't argued with anybody. I call it "winning without winning." I get to keep thinking I'm right, and I don't have to convince anybody else of it.

But that doesn't mean that I don't tell people what I think about something. Sometimes, like in a work situation, it's necessary to have an opinion. But that's all it is.

I'm not about to go to war over it. And that doesn't mean I don't care about the outcome or that I don't want the best result; it's just that it might be possible that I don't know what the best outcome is.

Knowing When Not to Act Is a Strength

I’m always waiting for my life to improve and I don’t mean that I’m just doing nothing but there’s a time for doing things and a time for doing nothing except waiting. But when I see the signs I am immediately ready to jump into action and do everything that I need to do. But between those times are the times that I just have to wait.

At these times it’s important for me to be very very patient because I can spend a long time in the waiting room. Overall in the last ten years my life has steadily improved and I can see that by comparing my situations then and now. I always divide my life into three parts.

My family, my job and everything else. Each part follows different rules and behaves in a different way. When I have change in my life it is only ever in one of the areas at one time.

All of the areas can’t change at once. And I need to look at what is possible and what isn’t possible to gauge where that part of my life is at. And there are things that I wish, and have wished, I could do, like take my kids to the beach.

But there has been a time when I couldn’t do that and I just had to accept that the “Family” part of my life wasn’t at the level where I could do that yet. And I’m even talking about the very small things in my life. There has been a time when I couldn’t have a certain food that I wanted and then a change happened and I could get it.

If you looked from the outside it would seem like such a small thing but to me it was important and I had to be patient while I couldn’t have it and when I got it I could see that that part of my life had changed and improved. These small signs are important for me because if I’m hoping for something bigger I can think that “if I can’t have this little thing then it’s definitely not the right time to have this bigger thing yet. Then there are the times when everything seems to be going well but suddenly it will be like someone has pressed the reset button on my life.

Something will happen, something disappointing, and I’ll feel like all of the gains I’ve made have now been erased. And I feel let down by my life and I’ll wonder if my life has really changed? Disappointment is a very strong feeling that repeats in my life.

And even when I think I’ve moved away from the area where I could feel so low something happens and I get dragged back into it. At these times I feel betrayed. My life was going so well and everything was clicking into place.

I was believing that good things could happen for me and that I could make that final change in my life that means it would never be able to go back to the way it was before. And on many occasions I have been so close to that point but just before the big change something happens and then the whole process unravels and I’m back where I started. This is accompanied by that familiar sickening feeling in my stomach and the crushing disappointment of another opportunity gone by.

Looking back at those times I can see that those opportunities weren’t right for me and if I’d looked more closely I could have seen that there was always something about them that wasn’t right. But each opportunity was a different direction my life could have gone in and now it seems to me more like a list that I was exploring and crossing off as I went until I finally found the right thing for me.

Choosing Your Next Direction with Clarity

I'm always waiting for my life to improve, and I don't mean that I'm just doing nothing. There's a time for doing things and a time for doing nothing except waiting. But when I see the signs, I am immediately ready to jump into action and do everything that I need to do.

But between those times are the moments when I just have to wait. During these times, it's important for me to be very, very patient because I can spend a long time in the waiting room. Overall, in the last ten years, my life has steadily improved, and I can see that by comparing my situations then and now.

I always divide my life into three parts: my family, my job, and everything else. Each part follows different rules and behaves differently. When there is a change in my life, it only happens in one area at a time.

All the areas can't change simultaneously. I need to assess what is possible and what isn't possible to determine the state of that particular part of my life. And there are things that I wish, and have wished, I could do, like taking my kids to the beach.

But there was a time when I couldn't do that, and I just had to accept that the "Family" part of my life wasn't at the level where I could do that yet. I'm even talking about the very small things in my life. There was a time when I couldn't have a certain food that I wanted, and then a change happened, and I could get it.

If someone looked from the outside, it would seem like such a small thing, but to me, it was important, and I had to be patient while I couldn't have it. When I finally got it, I could see that that part of my life had changed and improved. These small signs are important to me because if I'm hoping for something bigger, I can think that if I can't have this little thing, then it's definitely not the right time to have this bigger thing yet.

Then there are times when everything seems to be going well, but suddenly it feels like someone has pressed the reset button on my life. Something disappointing happens, and I feel like all the progress I've made has been erased. I feel let down by my life, and I wonder if my life has really changed.

Disappointment is a very strong feeling that repeats in my life. Even when I think I've moved away from the point where I could feel so low, something happens and I get dragged back into it. During these times, I feel betrayed.

My life was going so well, and everything was falling into place. I believed that good things could happen for me, and that I could make that final change in my life that would prevent it from going back to the way it was before. On many occasions, I have been so close to that point, but just before the big change, something happens, and the whole process unravels, leaving me back where I started.

This is accompanied by that familiar sickening feeling in my stomach and the crushing disappointment of another missed opportunity. Looking back at those times, I can see that those opportunities weren't right for me. If I had looked more closely, I could have seen that there was always something about them that wasn't right.

But each opportunity represented a different direction my life could have taken, and now it seems more like a list that I was exploring and crossing off as I went until I finally found the right thing for me.

Owning Your Part (Without Blame) to Find Freedom

The worst thing I can do to someone is to try to control them. Trying to control them takes away their choices and their freedom. Individual freedom is very important, and nobody wants to feel like they can't decide for themselves what to do or that they can't choose the thing that they want.

One of the places where I have to be especially careful is with my kids. They are still fairly young, so I need to tell them what to do, but I've found that there is a line that I shouldn't cross. A line where I can control them too much.

I also, of course, have to be careful when I'm talking to my wife. Sometimes what I think is advice comes across too strongly and to her seems like me telling her what to do. And when I cross this line, it's usually because of the tone that I used or my choice of words.

And of course, I experience people trying to control me as well. People try to control me all the time into doing things they want me to do that I don't want to. And this pressure can come from them using their position or status, or their relationship with me.

I used to get pulled into doing a lot of things that I didn't really want to just because I thought I should. And I would dread doing those things, and it would make me unhappy. Now my strategy for this is to not react or commit to anything at the time the person is saying it and then later to just do the thing that I want to do.

There are never any repercussions for me from using this strategy, and the result is always that I'm happier. Another thing that I used to do is to try to change situations. Usually because I know better, which is obviously not true.

And of course, this caused conflict for me with the people around me. But then I started to pick up on the signs better and to back off and stop trying to manipulate the situation to how I wanted it to be. Most of my motivation was purely selfish anyway, and I just wanted the situation to suit me and what I wanted.

But I found that letting things develop naturally and letting other people's input guide the situation brings good results for everyone. So then a lot of my trouble and conflict with people comes from me. And even though I often think that it's other people's fault, probably eighty percent of it started from me.

I'm not talking about huge problems or big arguments either; I'm talking about even the very small things, like how a conversation goes. I want everything, including my everyday interactions, to go smoothly. This requires me to be sensitive or even hypersensitive to the flow of the conversation and the motivations of the people involved.

And because I'm not fixed on a certain outcome, my input isn't too strong, and I have hopefully avoided any conflict.

See Your Experiences Differently and Grow on Purpose

When I'm in the shower or engaged in a task that doesn't demand my full concentration, I sometimes find myself dwelling on unpleasant events that occurred earlier in the day or week. Upon realizing this, I consciously choose to stop ruminating on those matters. They're already in the past, so there's no need to continue tormenting myself over them.

However, later on, I catch myself revisiting those thoughts, and I'm unsure how long I've been caught up in them. These thoughts become a recurring loop, and despite my best efforts, I can't prevent myself from falling back into that pattern. Another involuntary tendency of mine is to reflect on different periods from my past.

Occasionally, these memories are positive, but more often than not, they are less-than-pleasant experiences. They usually involve moments of embarrassment, stress, shock, or pain. Nevertheless, they hold significance in my life.

What unifies all these experiences is the presence of regret. They are situations that I regret, and while in some cases, I couldn't prevent them from occurring, I regret my actions or the choices I made within those circumstances. Reviewing these experiences is essentially a subtle way for me to replay events I have already lived through.

Repetition undeniably plays a crucial role in my life. Additionally, when I find myself trapped in this cycle of reflection, I'm able to perceive the experiences differently from how I initially saw them. Naturally, with age, I now have a broader perspective than I did ten or twenty years ago.

However, it's not just about that. Looking back, I see the situation for what it truly was and confront the unfiltered truth of my own role in it. This can be unsettling, but detached from the emotions associated with it, observing my actions objectively proves beneficial.

Another loop I find myself stuck in pertains to the future, rather than the past. These are thoughts tied to strong urges, scenarios where I envision myself saying or doing something specific to a particular person. These thoughts circulate repeatedly in my mind, and I remain trapped in the loop until I express those words or carry out the necessary action.

A Simple Test for Knowing You’re on the Right Path

Every day, from when I wake up to when I go to bed, my life is a series of choices. And each choice for me is important. What to wear, what to eat, when to eat, how much to eat, what I should say to someone, what to do in a work situation, how to spend my free time.

I make choices all day long, and I never want to make the wrong choice or make a poor choice or fail to make a choice. I want to make the right choice every time. Each choice is important because it affects me.

It could affect my body condition, my relationships, or my future. Likewise, if I do things in the wrong order or not in the best order, then it affects my life. With so many choices all day every day, it’s difficult or impossible to make the right choice and do the right thing every time.

And although I can never really know whether I’m doing the right thing until I do it, there are clues that I need to recognize to see that it’s the right thing. Recognizing the clues and what is a clue is the key for me. Doing the right thing sometimes, of course, means not doing what I want to do and doing something I don’t particularly want to do because it’s the right thing to do.

I can’t be selfish in my choices, but that doesn’t mean the result can’t still be good for me or that I can’t sometimes do the thing I want to do; it’s just that it needs to truly be the best thing to do. And that means that I need to be sensitive to which way things are going. People’s reactions, especially people close to me, are a big clue as to whether I’m doing the right thing or not.

It sometimes happens that someone says that I should do something, and when they say it, it’s like a straight punch that hits me. The truth of it really rings a bell, and I know that it’s the right thing. But just as important as choosing the right thing to do is recognizing when I should stop doing something.

If people have an abnormally strong reaction, much stronger than the situation warrants, then my alarm bells go off, and I know it’s a clue to stop doing what I’m doing. Or if something seemingly simple becomes impossible to do, then I know it’s a clue to give up. I sometimes feel as if I’m being blocked, and this can be mentally too.

I get uncharacteristically confused, and in the end, have to give up what I’m doing. This is a clue to stop. These clues are everywhere, and at first, I didn’t recognize them as clues, or I couldn’t interpret their meaning.

And that was okay because I was learning. But as I got better at picking up the clues, I could look back and see where I had gone wrong, and this helped me to get it right the next time. And there is always a next time.

My life isn’t that different every day, and situations repeat themselves all the time. So I can always find the same clues again and then make the right choices. Each choice is very important to me because it changes my life.

Reading the Quiet Moments Between Life’s Changes

Life changes from time to time, but in between these changes are long periods where things stay the same. And if you're not happy with your life or how things are going, then these periods can seem like forever. I always thought of time as not being my friend at all.

I was always racing against it, losing it, or wasting it. And there was never enough of it. But in the last ten years, I've learned to work with it more.

I still often don't feel like I've got enough time to do everything, but I'm managing it better now. In the last ten years, my life, for the most part, has been changing in a good way, and there have been some, what I would call landmark changes, mixed in with other smaller changes. But first, I want to talk about the times in between.

Because the spaces in between the changes are important to me for a couple of reasons. First of all, this time helps me get used to the changes that have happened. Although it's very difficult for me to be patient in this part of the process.

As soon as I have change for the better in one area of my life, I instantly want change in the other areas too. But that's not how change works for me. So even though I think I'm ready for more change, I've found that I do need time to settle into it and get comfortable with it.

And this could take months and, for some things, even years. This "waiting" period also helps me get ready for the next change. Some change needs to be prepared for.

So now I need to talk about the changes. There are different kinds of changes that happen in my life, and they can be put into three categories. The first and easiest kind is an opportunity for change that comes to me out of the blue, without me doing anything.

This happened to me quite a few years ago. I was in a job that I didn't like that wasn't going anywhere, and suddenly I got a call offering me a better job. I didn't even have to think about it, I just knew it was the right thing to go for.

The second type of change is change that I have planned for. But of course, you never really know if something is going to happen until you do it. My wife and I wanted to move house, but we weren't really sure if we would be able to afford it.

And there were a few moments when we thought it wasn't going to happen. But we reached a point in our preparations and decided to go for it, and we were successful. The third change is something that is not planned and just starts spontaneously, just like this YouTube channel.

I haven't had the time or the motivation to do anything new for a long time. But the idea hit me one day, and I really felt like it would be a good thing for me to do. Starting something by myself and taking the initiative to do it in order to bring about change in my life had to feel right.

If change is forced too much by my own will and desire, then it never works for me. These three kinds of change have two things in common. First of all, there is an element of risk.

They involve me taking a chance. And secondly, they involve me needing to trust that things will work out for the best.

When Pain Becomes a Signal: Change Your Response

My health, and by that, I mean my general body condition, is important to me. I want to feel fit and feel good about myself, the same as everybody does. And I’ve always done some exercise in various forms since I was a teenager.

But I did also used to smoke, until my son was born, and then I quit. But strangely, even when I smoked, I thought I was pretty healthy. I guess it’s human nature to justify doing the things we want to do, even when it is doing us harm.

Like everybody, I have some things that I would call health issues, but in the last ten years, they have definitely multiplied. I probably get headaches every week and sometimes on the same day each week. These are the headaches that medicine won’t cure, and I just have to live with the pain until I’m released from it.

Going to the restroom is another example. I definitely go to the restroom more than anyone I know. And I’d say at best what I can get from it is...

feeling uncomfortable because I need to go, being embarrassed because I need to go again, and worrying about whether I’ll have the opportunity to go again in the future. These things are a constant problem and affect my whole day because I have to navigate through some tricky situations while also trying to cope with these health issues. Another thing that has multiplied in the last ten years is the amount of pain I have.

And by that, I mean actual physical pain. I’m not talking about anything major like fractures or breaks, but bruises, cuts, and scrapes have become part of my weekly routine. It’s honestly ridiculous.

I feel like there’s a weekly quota of pain that I’m unintentionally trying to achieve every week. And it’s probably the only area of my life where I really can’t see any rhyme or reason to it. Instead of "no pain, no gain," it seems to be more like "no pain....no pain!" But however pointless it seems, I still can’t avoid it, even though I’m very careful.

There are other times, though, when the pain does feel more meaningful. And it makes me think I should stop doing what I’m doing or that I shouldn’t have done the thing that I just did. There are times when the pain is like a wake-up call to change my behavior.

I’ll give you an example. I was at home in the shower recently, and I was stressing about a problem at work, and then I dropped the showerhead on my foot. It was painful, nothing serious, but it really made me snap out of my unhealthy thoughts and think that maybe I should stop stressing and think about something else instead.

And that brings me to the next thing I wanted to talk about: stress. This period of my life has without a doubt been the busiest and most stressful. And I’ve been under a lot of pressure in every area.

But after years of this, I do feel that it has had a positive effect, in that it has made me better at prioritizing what’s important and better at decision-making. The stress always comes in waves, and each time it comes, it pushes me to the limit or even beyond the limit of what I can endure, and then it fades away. All of my health issues are like this.

There’s an element of them taking me just past what I can bear, and then finally being released from it. But the two most important things that I notice about these issues are the repetition of them and the timing of them.

Spotting Difficult People and Protecting Your Peace

Everybody is different, and it’s impossible to get along with everybody, but I want to. I don’t want to have bad feelings between me and anybody in my life. But sometimes I do upset people and although it’s not on purpose I can’t find any way to avoid it.

So instead I just don’t take it personally. Maybe a little pain is good for them. I also find in my life that different people play different roles.

And by that I mean that there are a set number of characters and different people have filled those same roles in different times of my life. I’ll give you an example. For me there’s always that one person who gives me what I categorize as “trouble”.

If this person is in the workplace then the trouble could be them criticizing me for how I’m doing my job, or it could be them saying something like I might need to work on my day off. And often to someone else this trouble doesn’t seem very bad at all, but to me, it feels like the worst thing ever. And as my life has changed of course so have the people, but sure enough I’ll be having trouble from one specific person again and again, and then I’ll realize that they are now filling that role.

But this is the important thing for me. Identifying them is one part of it but because I know who they are I can “expect” to have trouble from them at any time and I can be ready for it. I can also react differently to them because now their role in my life has been clearly identified.

One strategy I have is to not react to what they say. As in the example earlier they might be saying that I need to do work on my day off or that something is going to happen at work that wouldn’t be good for me. But in the end it turns out that I don’t need to work or that the work thing doesn’t happen.

I used to freak out and worry about what they had said, but now this has happened so many times over the years, with the person I’ve identified as the trouble-person, that I’ve learned to not react to what they say and just trust that it’s really not going to happen. Another trend in my life that I’ve noticed is that people are often rude to me or say insensitive things seemingly without even realizing it. Or people ignore me when I say something, and it’s as if I haven’t even said a word.

How I deal with this is to, you guessed it, not react. The best thing by far for me to do is to let it go immediately, or if what I’ve said has been ignored I don’t pursue it or try to say it again. I take it as being something that I need to hear about myself or something that I shouldn’t have said.

But I’ve gotten used to people acting very strangely around me and as I said before, I just have to not take it personally. Another thing that happens which I’m never sure is good or bad is that people often share their problems with me or personal things about themselves, whether I’m close with them or not. Of course, it’s great that they can confide in me, but I will rarely give them advice.

Giving advice is dangerous. How can I possibly know what the best course of action is?

How to Wait Out Trouble Without Making It Worse

Of course, my relationships with my loved ones are different from those with the other people I know or meet. My loved ones "love me," and I behave differently with them because of that. I also spend the most time with them, so their roles in my life are "bigger." My relationships with my family have been and still are, to some extent, the area where I have a lot of my...let's call it "trouble." It's unavoidable, and each person gives me trouble differently.

It could be an argument with my wife about jobs around the house, or my kids fighting with each other and me having to get involved. And I used to just fall into these situations and only realize when I was in them that a time of trouble had started. But now I can recognize when it's starting, and I can get ready for it.

One of the most important things about these times of trouble, and how they make them different from other interactions I have, is that they all have one thing in common. They all make me feel horrible, like my whole life is off balance. When a loved one is making trouble for me, I've learned through trial and error that sometimes I need to act, and sometimes I don't.

But definitely, the worst thing I can do is to react. If I react, the situation goes into a downward spiral for me, and I end up having even more trouble. If it's one of those situations with my kids, I have sometimes found that my emotions are stronger than they should be in that situation.

I don't mean I have anger issues or anything like that, it's just that I can feel myself being disproportionately annoyed by the situation, and although I'm thinking, "Why am I reacting so strongly," I can't stop myself. But it's because I've reacted... and that was a mistake.

Sometimes I have to act, and I'll talk more about that in a second, but most of the time what I need to do is to not act at all. If it's a situation where, for example, my wife is complaining about me or another situation where I'm being criticized in some way, I just have to sit tight and wait for the trouble to finish. This includes putting aside what I'm feeling or what I want or what I want the other person to think about me.

Of course, I can't always do this, or I can hold out for a while, and then I just can't stop myself from reacting. Mistake. And so sometimes I do need to act, but it's not what you might think.

At those times, what I really need to do is to get busy doing something. But something completely unrelated. Something productive like cleaning up in the kitchen or helping one of my kids with something.

When I do this, after a certain amount of time, the trouble fades away. And I know it's gone because I can't feel that horrible feeling anymore.