Choosing What Is Right for You

Every day, we are faced with decisions about what we should do with our time in our personal lives. There are things that we need to do, things that we want to do, and then there are the things that we think we should do. And with this last category, it's often difficult to know whether we should do something, especially when we don't really want to or we feel obliged to do it.

And an added complication to these things is that they often involve other people, which makes them trickier to navigate. So, how can we decide if we should or shouldn't do something? But more importantly than that, how can we know and feel happy that our decision was right?

The answer to that is a little complicated, so first let's look at what something we should do looks like. Simply speaking, the things we should do will give us experiences that have the potential to change us slightly. They will change how we feel about our lives and ourselves and give us a different way of looking at everything.

But I don't mean in a huge epiphany-giving, life-changing way. I mean that just for a short time and in a small way, we will escape from what's normal and feel different. And although the feeling lasts only while we are having the experience and for a short time after, the effects are not temporary.

Even when these feelings have gone, they have already changed us slightly and permanently. So why do we need to seek out things that change us? Well, the short answer is that each time we change, we become closer to who we are changing into.

So when we are choosing what to do or whether we should do A or B, then we have to look if it could be an experience that could change us. And it doesn't matter what change it is or how small of a change it will give us, as long as we feel different while we're doing it. And we don't have to climb mountains or cross oceans to feel different, but it should be something that when we imagine doing it, we can see that potentially we will feel different.

It's also important to look at what something we shouldn't do looks like too. And of course, something we shouldn't do does not have the potential to take us out of ourselves and make us feel different. But also, these are things that lack the potential for the unknown to happen.

So once we've measured the activity against these criteria, we can decide the best thing to do. And it is especially useful when something comes along that we feel obliged to do or are afraid of not doing because of the people involved. Because if we have measured it correctly, then with confidence we can say that our decision is right.

And doing something or not doing something because it is right for us is the only justification we need.

If these ideas resonate, you can begin with the Start Here page, where I share ongoing reflections by email. For those who feel ready to explore their situation more deeply, I also offer a paid cycle of guidance.

Spotting Difficult People and Protecting Your Peace

Everybody is different, and it’s impossible to get along with everybody, but I want to. I don’t want to have bad feelings between me and anybody in my life. But sometimes I do upset people and although it’s not on purpose I can’t find any way to avoid it.

So instead I just don’t take it personally. Maybe a little pain is good for them. I also find in my life that different people play different roles.

And by that I mean that there are a set number of characters and different people have filled those same roles in different times of my life. I’ll give you an example. For me there’s always that one person who gives me what I categorize as “trouble”.

If this person is in the workplace then the trouble could be them criticizing me for how I’m doing my job, or it could be them saying something like I might need to work on my day off. And often to someone else this trouble doesn’t seem very bad at all, but to me, it feels like the worst thing ever. And as my life has changed of course so have the people, but sure enough I’ll be having trouble from one specific person again and again, and then I’ll realize that they are now filling that role.

But this is the important thing for me. Identifying them is one part of it but because I know who they are I can “expect” to have trouble from them at any time and I can be ready for it. I can also react differently to them because now their role in my life has been clearly identified.

One strategy I have is to not react to what they say. As in the example earlier they might be saying that I need to do work on my day off or that something is going to happen at work that wouldn’t be good for me. But in the end it turns out that I don’t need to work or that the work thing doesn’t happen.

I used to freak out and worry about what they had said, but now this has happened so many times over the years, with the person I’ve identified as the trouble-person, that I’ve learned to not react to what they say and just trust that it’s really not going to happen. Another trend in my life that I’ve noticed is that people are often rude to me or say insensitive things seemingly without even realizing it. Or people ignore me when I say something, and it’s as if I haven’t even said a word.

How I deal with this is to, you guessed it, not react. The best thing by far for me to do is to let it go immediately, or if what I’ve said has been ignored I don’t pursue it or try to say it again. I take it as being something that I need to hear about myself or something that I shouldn’t have said.

But I’ve gotten used to people acting very strangely around me and as I said before, I just have to not take it personally. Another thing that happens which I’m never sure is good or bad is that people often share their problems with me or personal things about themselves, whether I’m close with them or not. Of course, it’s great that they can confide in me, but I will rarely give them advice.

Giving advice is dangerous. How can I possibly know what the best course of action is?