Finding the Best Way Forward

If you observe very young children going through their day, it's easy to see that in every interaction they have, there is one thing on their minds: themselves. Everything revolves around them, and they haven't yet developed the ability to see things from another person's perspective. As adults, we like to believe that we are different.

We have empathy and consider others, offering help or making compromises. But are we genuinely thinking about others, or are we simply better at concealing our own agendas and manipulating situations to achieve the outcomes we truly desire? It doesn't really matter whether we can honestly assess our actions in each situation and determine how selfless they are.

Being selfless all the time is not the ultimate goal, just as constantly obtaining what we want is not the goal either. Ultimately, we want the best outcome to occur, which is challenging because we often fail to recognize what that truly is. However, in significant situations in our lives, it is better for us and everyone involved if we learn how to navigate them in order to achieve the best results.

So, how do we accomplish that? Well, every important situation is unique, and our actions will vary each time we encounter one. Therefore, the real answer lies not in what we should do, but rather in the way we need to be.

First and foremost, we must be aware of when an important situation is commencing. That means we need to recognize as quickly as possible that it has started. Once we find ourselves in the situation, there are several paths we can take, and we must be cognizant of the available options, acknowledging that we don't know which one is best yet.

It's important to remember that the best option might align with what we want to happen, or equally, with what we don't want to happen. We must be willing to accept outcomes that may not align with our immediate desires because they are in the best interest of the bigger picture. If other people are involved, we need to consider their perspectives and not dismiss anything prematurely.

Additionally, we need to recognize that one of the tools at our disposal is time. Sometimes, things need to be left and temporarily set aside. There may come a point where the way forward is unclear.

If possible, during such moments, rather than forcing a premature conclusion that could be incorrect, it is better to step away and revisit the situation later. So, how do we recognize the best course of action? Well, when we weigh the options, the best way forward is the one that leaves us with no doubt that it is indeed the best path.

By "knowing" the best way, I mean having a deep sense of certainty. Knowing is not the same as merely thinking. Knowing is a feeling.

We don't need to debate or convince ourselves of it, but we must be receptive to it. When we observe other people's lives, it is often easy to see what they should do in certain situations. It can be surprising when they choose differently.

However, we don't need to be like that. We don't have to choose the way we think is best for us. We can choose the way we know is the best because we understand that our decision is not driven by selfishness, but rather by good intentions.

Choosing What Is Right for You

Every day, we are faced with decisions about what we should do with our time in our personal lives. There are things that we need to do, things that we want to do, and then there are the things that we think we should do. And with this last category, it's often difficult to know whether we should do something, especially when we don't really want to or we feel obliged to do it.

And an added complication to these things is that they often involve other people, which makes them trickier to navigate. So, how can we decide if we should or shouldn't do something? But more importantly than that, how can we know and feel happy that our decision was right?

The answer to that is a little complicated, so first let's look at what something we should do looks like. Simply speaking, the things we should do will give us experiences that have the potential to change us slightly. They will change how we feel about our lives and ourselves and give us a different way of looking at everything.

But I don't mean in a huge epiphany-giving, life-changing way. I mean that just for a short time and in a small way, we will escape from what's normal and feel different. And although the feeling lasts only while we are having the experience and for a short time after, the effects are not temporary.

Even when these feelings have gone, they have already changed us slightly and permanently. So why do we need to seek out things that change us? Well, the short answer is that each time we change, we become closer to who we are changing into.

So when we are choosing what to do or whether we should do A or B, then we have to look if it could be an experience that could change us. And it doesn't matter what change it is or how small of a change it will give us, as long as we feel different while we're doing it. And we don't have to climb mountains or cross oceans to feel different, but it should be something that when we imagine doing it, we can see that potentially we will feel different.

It's also important to look at what something we shouldn't do looks like too. And of course, something we shouldn't do does not have the potential to take us out of ourselves and make us feel different. But also, these are things that lack the potential for the unknown to happen.

So once we've measured the activity against these criteria, we can decide the best thing to do. And it is especially useful when something comes along that we feel obliged to do or are afraid of not doing because of the people involved. Because if we have measured it correctly, then with confidence we can say that our decision is right.

And doing something or not doing something because it is right for us is the only justification we need.

If these ideas resonate, you can begin with the Start Here page, where I share ongoing reflections by email. For those who feel ready to explore their situation more deeply, I also offer a paid cycle of guidance.

Knowing When Not to Act Is a Strength

I’m always waiting for my life to improve and I don’t mean that I’m just doing nothing but there’s a time for doing things and a time for doing nothing except waiting. But when I see the signs I am immediately ready to jump into action and do everything that I need to do. But between those times are the times that I just have to wait.

At these times it’s important for me to be very very patient because I can spend a long time in the waiting room. Overall in the last ten years my life has steadily improved and I can see that by comparing my situations then and now. I always divide my life into three parts.

My family, my job and everything else. Each part follows different rules and behaves in a different way. When I have change in my life it is only ever in one of the areas at one time.

All of the areas can’t change at once. And I need to look at what is possible and what isn’t possible to gauge where that part of my life is at. And there are things that I wish, and have wished, I could do, like take my kids to the beach.

But there has been a time when I couldn’t do that and I just had to accept that the “Family” part of my life wasn’t at the level where I could do that yet. And I’m even talking about the very small things in my life. There has been a time when I couldn’t have a certain food that I wanted and then a change happened and I could get it.

If you looked from the outside it would seem like such a small thing but to me it was important and I had to be patient while I couldn’t have it and when I got it I could see that that part of my life had changed and improved. These small signs are important for me because if I’m hoping for something bigger I can think that “if I can’t have this little thing then it’s definitely not the right time to have this bigger thing yet. Then there are the times when everything seems to be going well but suddenly it will be like someone has pressed the reset button on my life.

Something will happen, something disappointing, and I’ll feel like all of the gains I’ve made have now been erased. And I feel let down by my life and I’ll wonder if my life has really changed? Disappointment is a very strong feeling that repeats in my life.

And even when I think I’ve moved away from the area where I could feel so low something happens and I get dragged back into it. At these times I feel betrayed. My life was going so well and everything was clicking into place.

I was believing that good things could happen for me and that I could make that final change in my life that means it would never be able to go back to the way it was before. And on many occasions I have been so close to that point but just before the big change something happens and then the whole process unravels and I’m back where I started. This is accompanied by that familiar sickening feeling in my stomach and the crushing disappointment of another opportunity gone by.

Looking back at those times I can see that those opportunities weren’t right for me and if I’d looked more closely I could have seen that there was always something about them that wasn’t right. But each opportunity was a different direction my life could have gone in and now it seems to me more like a list that I was exploring and crossing off as I went until I finally found the right thing for me.

A Simple Test for Knowing You’re on the Right Path

Every day, from when I wake up to when I go to bed, my life is a series of choices. And each choice for me is important. What to wear, what to eat, when to eat, how much to eat, what I should say to someone, what to do in a work situation, how to spend my free time.

I make choices all day long, and I never want to make the wrong choice or make a poor choice or fail to make a choice. I want to make the right choice every time. Each choice is important because it affects me.

It could affect my body condition, my relationships, or my future. Likewise, if I do things in the wrong order or not in the best order, then it affects my life. With so many choices all day every day, it’s difficult or impossible to make the right choice and do the right thing every time.

And although I can never really know whether I’m doing the right thing until I do it, there are clues that I need to recognize to see that it’s the right thing. Recognizing the clues and what is a clue is the key for me. Doing the right thing sometimes, of course, means not doing what I want to do and doing something I don’t particularly want to do because it’s the right thing to do.

I can’t be selfish in my choices, but that doesn’t mean the result can’t still be good for me or that I can’t sometimes do the thing I want to do; it’s just that it needs to truly be the best thing to do. And that means that I need to be sensitive to which way things are going. People’s reactions, especially people close to me, are a big clue as to whether I’m doing the right thing or not.

It sometimes happens that someone says that I should do something, and when they say it, it’s like a straight punch that hits me. The truth of it really rings a bell, and I know that it’s the right thing. But just as important as choosing the right thing to do is recognizing when I should stop doing something.

If people have an abnormally strong reaction, much stronger than the situation warrants, then my alarm bells go off, and I know it’s a clue to stop doing what I’m doing. Or if something seemingly simple becomes impossible to do, then I know it’s a clue to give up. I sometimes feel as if I’m being blocked, and this can be mentally too.

I get uncharacteristically confused, and in the end, have to give up what I’m doing. This is a clue to stop. These clues are everywhere, and at first, I didn’t recognize them as clues, or I couldn’t interpret their meaning.

And that was okay because I was learning. But as I got better at picking up the clues, I could look back and see where I had gone wrong, and this helped me to get it right the next time. And there is always a next time.

My life isn’t that different every day, and situations repeat themselves all the time. So I can always find the same clues again and then make the right choices. Each choice is very important to me because it changes my life.